Parenting: What Did You Expect?
I don’t remember exactly when I wanted to have kids. Not in a literal way, like, I’m ready to have kids right now! But, just in general, there has been a desire to have my own family since I was young. Perhaps it stems from having siblings many years younger as I grew up. I “got” to share a bedroom with my little brother when he was a baby, and I was 13. That translated into me being the first responder for any overnight disturbances. If he was crying, I would be the one that woke up. If he needed something, I got out of bed to take care of it. Many nights I would be by the side of his crib, coaxing him back to sleep. There were a few times when he wouldn’t be comforted (or maybe I was too tired), so he would need to sleep next to me. A bond was formed in my caretaking role, wherein I felt responsible and proud to be the one helping him to a place of peace and rest.
Another reason may be that I saw my own parents’ shortcomings (real or perceived) in their roles of nurturers in me and my siblings’ lives. I think many people are not shaped by how well they were raised, but rather by a vision for what they would do differently. As I grew into an adult, I had my eyes open to how other people were successfully parenting, and the effect it had on their children. I observed their family dynamics when they spent time together. I saw love and joy manifested through willful submission and graceful authority. Not coincidentally, this was also the season during which God was working on my heart to make a decision to accept Christ has my personal savior. As His child, I needed to willingly submit to His grace-filled authority in my life.
“I think many people are not shaped by how well they were raised, but rather by a vision for what they would do differently.”
During my subsequent years attending a Bible-believing and Bible-teaching church, I paid close attention any time the subject of parenting or child training was addressed from the pulpit. I locked away tidbits of truth and principles from the Word of God. There is a lot of value to young adults hearing about Biblical parenthood before they have kids. This a great time for them to be counting the cost, to be preparing their hearts for the gravity of the potential task ahead. It is one of the biggest responsibilities one can take on. Unfortunately, many people start a family because they think it is the next step in life. There is no intentionality to the endeavor. In this scenario, kids become extra things to have like houses or cars. At best they get managed. At worst they get neglected. Instead, we are called to much more purpose in the raising of our children. We must consider what are the Biblical expectations in this area of life.
God’s expectations of parents: Teach and Train
The Lord has specific instructions for parents regarding their children. When given instructions, we need to be intentional to follow them to get the designed outcome. Have you ever tried assembling a Lego set without following the instructions? It typically doesn’t just fall into place and turn out beautiful (ask my daughters). We are told to teach our children God’s words, not just our own best ideas. As sinful and selfish humans, our ideas can be less than ideal. God’s words never change. They are the same now as when they were written. They are always right, and never wrong. They bring blessing and wisdom. This is what our kids need to hear, and know, and see lived out in the home.
Deu 6:7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.
“There is a lot of value to young adults hearing about Biblical parenthood before they have kids. . . to be counting the cost, to be preparing their hearts for the gravity of the potential task ahead.”
I love the word “diligently” in this verse about teaching our children. The teaching process is not lazy. It doesn’t happen by osmosis. It is intentional. There must be a plan to engage and invest time and truth in our kids. And it must be threaded throughout our life. It happens when we sit down for meals or Bible study. Any time driving around town on school runs or errands (hardware store, dads) are opportunities to talk about God. Bedtime prayers and morning devotions are great practices to finish and start every day with acknowledging our Lord and Savior. We don’t want to be guilty of allowing our kids to be educated by the world by just assuming they are fine without our daily, diligent investment. How engaged are you daily in purposeful teaching of God’s words with your kids? We know what God expects.
Pro 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Training is another key responsibility of a Godly parent. This verse gives the perfect reason: they are going to grow up! I’m not a gardener, but I know if I want a tree to grow a certain way, it will be much easier to guide it that direction while it is a sapling rather than when it is well on its way to maturity. If we have the end result in mind, it guides our daily choices in the present. What is our vision for where we want our kids to be at age 5? What about 13? Ultimately, who will they be when they launch out as adults? To achieve these objectives, tangible action must be taken every day. We must choose to actively provide positive and negative feedback to help our children learn the right way to go. Interestingly, another definition of the Hebrew word “train up” used in this scripture is “discipline”. I’ve heard it said that discipline in the home applies first to the parents being disciplined in how they deliver Biblical edification and correction. My experience and observation find this to be true. Inconsistency with disciplining children allows for, if not encourages, growth in the wrong direction. God’s word is consistent in giving us instruction. Are we following Him in the discipline of our kids, or our own “better” ideas? We know what God expects.
Parents expectations of children: Obedience and Respect
If we are to teach and train, what exactly should we be looking for from our kids as a measure of effectiveness? In other words, how do we know if we are doing it right or fully? I believe God is pretty clear on this one.
Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
What happens when you give your child direction? There are only two answers: they obey or they don’t. By the way, delayed obedience is called disobedience. I was far from a perfect son, but later in life I recognized something while observing a certain discipline technique, and it baffled me. A parent would give instruction, the child would not do it, then the parent would start counting. Usually a 3-count was the pattern. Sometimes, right before 3, the child would relent and finally do the request disgruntledly. Other times the kid would remain defiant, forcing the parent to give the same instruction again, and starting the countdown afresh. This was frustrating as a bystander, and I can imagine it was even more so for the parent. I think all parents would agree that the intended response was for the kid to obey right away. The actual response reflects the expectation communicated by the parent to the child. This could be verbal or nonverbal by a pattern of behavior. It happens daily in the home before it happens in public. As we examine the effectiveness of our discipline practices, we can ask ourselves, is my pattern of responses reinforcing my expectation of obedience? We know what God expects.
Eph 6:2a Honour thy father and mother;
To Honor here means to value or revere. We might more readily use the word Respect today. Obeying is one thing. It is a huge thing, but only the first part of what a child is expected to do to their parents. Obedience is a physical act that should reflect a heart attitude. How do our children feel about obeying? The natural position is, not very good. It is in their (like our) sin nature to do what is best for their flesh. They will, in their flesh, only care about themselves, and what they believe is best or right. Unless the child is a born-again believer, it will not involve considering what God wants. However, that does not render God’s word invalid. He still wants them to honor and respect their parents. Whereas obeying is a response to a direction, honoring is a choice of how to manage one’s attitude. It can be seen in body language, a look of the eyes, or a tone of voice. Are you watching for your child’s value or reverence of you during conversation? It may seem self-aggrandizing, but it is our job to help them follow the Lord. They will need reminded and corrected in how they respect their parents. We know what God expects.
Children’s expectations of God: Promise-keeper and Provider
So what’s in it for me, your child may ask. Why should I obey and honor? The easy answer is because God says so, and that’s true. But there is more to understand that will help a child see God’s position in their life.
Eph 6:2b (which is the first commandment with promise;)
God makes promises. All throughout scripture God presents agreements or covenants. Often it is tied to His expectations of His people to follow Him. He offers us a result for a choice. This can be good or bad. Generally good choices lead to good results, and bad choices lead to bad results. If this sounds basic, it is. Even a child could understand (mind blown). God keeps promises. Our kids can know that God has, does, and will follow through on what His word says. There is a pattern to see in the Bible and in daily life. Parents can help their children recognize how God makes and fulfills His word in their lives and the lives of other people. Is He getting the glory for being a promise-keeper in your house? We know what God expects.
Eph 6:3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
God wants good things for our kids, just like we as parents want good things for them. He wants them to be well. One application could be physical health, but we know that not all health situations fall into our understanding of “good”. Also, everyone has a unique life expectancy that we know is not a technical calculation of how they obeyed the Lord. We see innocent children dying young, and wicked people living a long time. God has plans that we sometimes don’t understand. We should not make Him fit into our definition of what is right or fair. The reality is that we live in a corrupt and sin-filled world where nobody is immune from sickness and death. A better takeaway is a principle of spiritual wellness, or spiritual health. Regardless of physical health or prospect of death, our kids can trust that God loves them and will care for them as they follow His will for their lives. They have a better offer than physical health and life. They have a promise of eternal spiritual life through Christ Jesus our Lord. God provides all they need – life with Him. We can be sure our kids know about God’s plan of salvation for their lives. There is nothing more important that we can invest in them. We know what God expects.
Instead of wandering aimlessly through parenthood, we can consider the specific expectations of God for parents and children. This is the way to peace, love, and joy in our homes. Our parent-child relationships should reflect God’s intended father-child relationship with each of us. He provides the perfect picture in His word for us to apply to our families. By following through on what God expects of us as parents, we can see our expectations of our children manifested, and in turn they will be able to expect a right relationship with God. And in the end, there is nothing better.
Gordon Kimble and his wife Mandy lead Kidtown, the children’s ministry at Midtown Baptist Temple. They have been married for 22 years and have four children ranging from 9 to 19 years old. They are also involved in discipleship and premarital counseling.
LIFE|Line is a ministry of Life Fellowship, a fellowship of Midtown Baptist Temple. 