Stress Testing

It started with a sneeze. . .

I remember my wife, Missy, reaching for something near the refrigerator door and sneezing in the middle of the reach. Immediately she knew something was not right with her back. She went to lay down on the couch to rest, and the next several years kind of became a blur, as her back pain would go from temporarily controlled to completely debilitating. 

After several years of managing the back pain, things took a turn for the worse, and this time we had just found out we were pregnant with our fourth child. Practically, that meant some treatment options were not an option, as they carried the risk of complications with the pregnancy. What followed was effectively a bed rest during the entire pregnancy. After a safe and healthy delivery, additional treatments and therapies would be administered, and her back pain would ebb and flow, ultimately culminating in back surgery.

In the LIFE Fellowship class at Midtown Baptist Temple, we have been studying our way through the book of 1 Peter, and this last week focused on 1 Peter 3:7: 

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being theirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Pastor Kenny started the sermon with a story from the advice column "Dear Abby," concerning a question from a husband whose wife was disabled and had been for a very long time. The husband was writing Abby to get her opinion on being able to cheat on his disabled wife, as he still desired companionship, and his wife was unable to fulfill those desires.

“It is easy to get bitter when we do not get what we think we deserve. In fact, the first time we see the word “bitter” used in our Bible is when Esau cried bitter tears because he did not get the blessing he thought he deserved.”

Listening to this story from “Dear Abby,” I found myself able to relate to this husband, as I too had a season in my life when my wife was disabled. Were the vows at our wedding, in which we made a solemn vow to love one another "in sickness and health” and "in good times and bad" true? Would those be demonstrated and lived out in my life? Thankfully, being a Christian husband and father, I had clear instruction and wisdom from God on how to endure this season.

Let us start with God's perspective on a husband a wife getting married. In Prov 18:22 we read: 

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

So, God is definitely all for men and women becoming husbands and wives. It is worth noting here—though outside of the scope of this article, that the bible also has a lot to say about the character traits you should look for in a mate, but again, that is a conversation and study for another day.

Once a couple is married, how is the husband to love his wife? As it turns out, God sets the bar very high, as we see in Eph 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

That is a sacrificial love! Christ laid down his life and sacrificed his will (as well as his comfort, his physical health, and more) to buy himself a bride in the form of the church. Husbands, that is our model to follow. It is not enough only to love our brides when things are going great, but to lay down our lives and our wants, serving our wives, just as Christ did when he was winning the church. A few verses later, in Ephesians 3:28-29, we see another model of how husbands are to practically love wives:

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife lovest himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Do you, husband, like clean clothes? Do you like dinner, kids in bed, clean counters? In our household, it was normal for Missy to take care of and manage much of the house chores, but when she was bedridden, I had the privilege of serving my wife by doing those chores that needed to be done (I will admit that my skills at braiding my daughters’ hair was poor). There can be seasons where you get to show love to your wife, by laying down your life to serve your bride.

In the companion section to Ephesians, in Colossians 3, we find additional instruction in how husbands are to love their wives in verse 19:

“If we are not in right relationship with our spouses, then we are not in right relationship with God either.”

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

It is easy to get bitter when we do not get what we think we deserve. In fact, the first time we see the word “bitter” used in our Bible is when Esau cried bitter tears because he did not get the blessing he thought he deserved. Bitterness is something that comes naturally when things do not go our way. The Bible talks about a "root of bitterness springing up" and troubling us. Ephesians tells us to "put away, with all malice" any bitterness we have. That means we need to kill any bitterness that creeps up.

When my wife would have a bout with debilitating back pain and be incapacitated from functioning normally, my initial reaction would be bitterness toward her. I would have to choose to love her. It is important to not doubt in dark times what God has shown and promised during better times.

Going back to the initial verse that we were studying in Life Fellowship 1 Pet 3:7: 

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being theirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

We husbands are told to dwell with our wives according to knowledge. That means spending time with our wives and communicating with them in kindness. Communication is key, and making assumptions is poison. If we are not in right relationship with our spouses, then we are not in right relationship with God either.

Am I happy that the back pain and surgery happened? In the moment(s), absolutely not, but I can say with absolute certainty that our marriage is stronger because of it. I love my wife and would not trade our marriage now for anything. My love and appreciation for my wife has grown and continues to grow, as we navigate life with four growing children. She is more beautiful to me, and we are a stronger couple, at least in part, because of the trials we have been through.

Guy Bailey and his wife Missy are leaders in LIFE Fellowship and are parents of four. They lead a Bible study at Midtown Baptist Temple, where Guy also oversees the Kitchen and Café ministries.

LIFE|Line is a ministry of Life Fellowship, a fellowship of Midtown Baptist Temple.