Marriage: Getting a Proper Framework

Like many people, I came to discover many of the abnormalities of my childhood in adulthood.  I was raised in a single-parent home by my mother with two of my older sisters.  Not having a brother in the home influenced my desire to bond with boys and young men in the neighborhood and in school.  Most of the time spent with them centered on playing sports or attending sporting events.  Through the many hours spent with them, I was exposed to their families as much as they were exposed to mine.  And seeing a mother and father reside in the home as husband and wife, was the exception to the rule in my childhood.  As a result, I had no framework for marriage.  It was something that I only associated with sitcoms on television.  

In 1994, I befriended an older woman named Rosie in the workplace.  She was very kind but also seemed peculiar.  As I got to know her, I learned that she was a Christian and took her relationship with Jesus Christ very seriously.  I would also come to learn that she had been praying for me regularly.  Eventually, she invited me to her church, and I accepted the invitation.  Through that, I was exposed to the gospel of Christ, which is, He died for my sins, was buried, and rose again the third day according to the Scriptures.  Rosie’s husband, David, explained this gospel to me, and on June 6, 1994, at their kitchen table, I personally confessed to Christ that I was a sinner incapable of doing anything on my own to earn eternity in heaven with Him, and that I believed that He died for my sins, was buried, and rose again the third day.  I was born again that night and by His grace alone, I have been walking with Him for 28 years now.

That walk is rooted in the Holy Scriptures that were inspired (God-breathed) and preserved for us.  Through the progression of that walk, my perspective and understanding of marriage began to change.  I began to see marriage as God intended.  As I began to see marriage as God intended, what had been normal for so many years was becoming more and more abnormal.  I could also see how grossly the sitcoms had and were missing the mark on marriage.  I could see how altering or rejecting God’s design eventually leads to hurt, pain, and dysfunction.  As the Lord continued normalizing my view of the family, here are some iron-clad observations that emerged:

1. Marriage originated with God, not man.

   Gen 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

   Marriage has become an institution that is subject to a multitude of opinions that are all entitled to be right.  And although God was and is the mastermind of the marriage institution, He is routinely erased from consideration when it comes to the purpose and practice of marriage.

   This approach declares to God that there is a better approach to marriage than His.  Given that there is one divorce in America every 13 seconds, mankind’s approach has not proven to be better.  

2. God-given roles matter.

   Gen 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

   God created Adam, the man, first.  That did not imply that the woman was inferior.  If God wanted to send a message of inferiority regarding the woman, He would have created her from Adam’s feet.  Instead, He created her out of Adam’s side, which typified her place – next to him in God’s work and in life.

   However, while Adam and Eve were equal in status before God, they were not equal in responsibility.  Being created first by God, Adam was appointed by Him as the leader of his wife.  This is reinforced by God’s direct summoning of Adam after he and his wife partook of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil:

   Gen 3:9 And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

   God summoned Adam directly because as the husband, he was responsible.  One of the roles of the husband is to lead his wife and children spiritually.  Too many husbands disregard this, and families pay a steep price for it.

3. Divorce is not God’s plan.

   Gen 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

   In Adam’s declaration, he viewed his wife as being as much of him as he was him.  In God’s marriage design, a husband and wife should be inseparable until death.  Any more than a person can separate from themselves, a husband and wife should not be able to separate from each other.  This is punctuated in the meaning of the phrase “and shall cleave,” which means to impinge. Impinging usually carries a negative connotation because it means to encroach or infringe on others.  But in God’s marriage design, it carries a very positive connotation, because in marriage, a husband and a wife should encroach on one another physically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially.  And the byproduct of that is a oneness that is inseparable until death. 

4. God prioritizes marriage in earthly relationships.

   Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

   The parent-child relationship is special and very important, but it does not match the permanent tone of marriage.  Parenting is a temporary arrangement while marriage is permanent.  Children grow into adults who eventually leave to build their own lives and families.  And once they become someone’s spouse, that relationship takes precedence over all other earthly relationships.

   The marriage relationship suffers whenever a parent attempts to make the parent-child relationship the priority over the marriage relationship and make parenting a permanent arrangement.

5. Marriage is not for strangers.

   Gen 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

   A stranger is someone who we do not know. Before sin affected their relationship, Adam and Eve enjoyed a transparent relationship.  They were not estranged or distant from one another.  As husband and wife in a perfect relationship with God, they were at peace with being fully unclothed together.  There was no shame, fear, or secrets in their relationship.

   Some spouses have compared their marriage to having a roommate.  A roommate shares the bills and duties that come with sharing a space together, but intimacy and oneness are not a part of the relationship.  In God’s mind, marriage between a husband and wife should consist of two people who are as close and connected as two people could ever be. 
   
   

I am approaching 20 years of marriage with my wife, Lori.  There are days when I feel like a pro at it and there are moments that remind me that I still have room for growth.  Ultimately, what I have come to discover is that God cannot lie (Tit. 1:2), so whatever He says in His word about marriage must be true and superior to any other perspective or opinion.  That has served my marriage extremely well and it is the reason for what has been an overall enjoyable marriage experience without either one of us ever entertaining divorce.

In our follow-up to this post, we will expound on the keys to building and maintaining the marriage that God designed.

Kenny Morgan is an Associate Pastor of Midtown Baptist Temple. He is the pastor of the discipleship ministry and also oversees the Connections and LIFE Fellowship ministries.

LIFE|Line is a ministry of Life Fellowship, a fellowship of Midtown Baptist Temple.