Parenting: Winning Early!
While waiting in the checkout line in a department store, a parent of a toddler sitting in a cart was in front of me checking out as well. As the cashier began scanning the items, the parent pushed the cart forward and whispered to the cashier to not scan one of the items, implying that they were only giving the toddler the impression that they were getting the item. I wondered how the parent would handle the situation at home once the toddler realized that they had been misled.
I would imagine that many have witnessed something similar or maybe, to keep the peace, they have been that parent. Without question, parenting is not for the faint of heart. As much as we are left breath taken at the first sight of our children at birth, the process of parenting them can be as challenging. Like marriage, we must do the math on parenting. If God is the mastermind behind marriage, He must also be the mastermind behind children and how to parent them. After all, He gave the commission to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28). Therefore, when it comes to parenting, the question for every parent to consider is, “What does God’s word reveal about parenting?”
To confidently know what God thinks about anything, we must go to His word. God holds His word in such high esteem that He has magnified it above His name (Psa 138:2). There are a lot of professional and personal opinions about parenting, and most of them mean well. Ultimately, what God has preserved for us in His word is perfect and can be totally trusted. With that said, here are a few critical insights from God’s word regarding parenting:
Children are born flawed.
Pro 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
It can be hard to hear that our children are not born perfect, but no one is. Like us, they were conceived in sin (Psa 51:5) and foolishness is a byproduct of that. In case we need any convincing that our children are born flawed, we should notice that we do not have to teach them to throw tantrums, be selfish, and disobey our commands. That is bound in their heart because of the sin nature they are born with (Rom 5:12). What is often referred to as the Terrible Twos is the stage where the child begins to boldly express the foolishness that is in their heart. This season can be very discouraging for many parents.The early years are very critical.
Pro 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
The word “betimes” can also be translated as “early, morning, or rising.” So the idea is to start early. There is a critical window to set the right trajectory for a child. Being a parent of two teenagers, I learned during the Terrible Twos stage that establishing and reinforcing boundaries was everything. During this time, both of our children tested these boundaries multiple times per day, and we resolved that for their good, we could not negotiate those boundaries.
It is important to respect that not only are these years very critical, but we also cannot get them back. Personal experience and general observation reveal that this critical window can run from age 1.5 to 8 approximately. But once this window is closed, it’s closed. And it might not seem like it in the moment, but it is easier to address attitude and behavioral problems in toddlers than it is in teenagers. Trying to address attitude and behavioral problems in teens is a steep uphill climb. A toddler who became convinced that listening to and obeying their parents was optional will become a teenager who mocks the very idea of listening to and obeying their parents.
It cannot be stressed strongly enough that this early window is where parenting is won or lost.
Clear and consistent discipline is very necessary.
Pro 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Pro 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
The Bible does not condone the physical or verbal abuse of children, but as a means of teaching, it does encourage corporeal discipline in love. This can be a very controversial topic in the discussion regarding parenting. Whether we are for or against corporeal discipline, a child must learn that whenever they deliberately go beyond the boundaries that have been set, those boundaries are constructively reinforced consistently. The trajectory for a child who has no regard for obeying their parents is not good. At a minimum, the stage is being set for the turbulent teens. And in addition to that, some children who never learned to respect their parents as authority figures have struggled in life to function under other authority figures (schoolteachers, law enforcement, managers in the workplace…). On the other hand, a loving structure of clear and consistent discipline in the home positions the parent-child relationship for peace and unity in the teen years and beyond. It also positions the child to function well in the many organized structures they will inevitably find themselves in.Parenting is a team sport.
Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 2 Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) 3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
In the eyes of God, parents are to be obeyed and honored. A child who withholds both is ultimately showing they have no regard for what pleases God, which is very dangerous. Parents must understand that disobedience and rebellion toward an invisible God always begins with disobedience and rebellion in the home to visible parents. God is so serious about the obedience and honor of children to their parents that He attaches the quality and longevity of life of the child to it. That is very serious.
Since God calls children to obey and honor their parents, both parents must be united in philosophy and approach to parenting. A divided approach creates blurred boundaries for a child and often compels them to manipulate what they perceive to be the weaker parent. Given the stakes, it is worth every second of time that it takes for parents to study God’s word, pray, discuss, and implement a philosophy and approach to parenting.Leadership, leadership, leadership.
Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
A short Bible study on parenting reveals that God places clear and direct responsibility on fathers first:1 Sam 3:13 For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.
1 Ki 1:5 Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, I will be king: and he prepared him chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. 6 And his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so? and he also was a very goodly man; and his mother bare him after Absalom.
1 Tim 3:4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
Fathers must recognize and embrace their God-given role and the responsibilities that come with it. As stated, parenting is a team sport but the role of the father on that team is lead parent. That is how God sees it and when a father ducks that, the price tag rises. There are several documented statistics in society that show the devastating realities of what happens when fathers pass on their role and responsibilities as father:
Absent fathers may be a significant underlying cause of drug use, crime, and poverty for male African-American adolescents. (University of Missouri, St. Louis, 2021)
Fatherless children make up 90% of all homeless and runaway children. (The Village Voice, 2002)
71% of all adolescent substance abusers came from a fatherless home. (National Center for Fathering, 2015)
Men without fathers made up 70% of the prison population serving long-term sentences in 1996. (National Fatherhood Initiative, 1997)
80% of all prison inmates come from fatherless homes. (Fix Family Courts, 2017)
Children from fatherless homes are 11 times more likely to exhibit violent behavior. (The Village Voice, 2002)
Having a “social father” (one who is not biologically related to the child) can increase the risk of abuse or neglect. (The Future of Children, 2010)
Fatherhood is not ground that a man can ever give (Eph 4:27). It is just too costly. When fathers do, they provoke their children to wrath. That is, they move their children to a place of anger and discouragement. In being in alignment with God, a father must learn how to nurture and admonish his children in the Lord. This means that he loves them through faithfully teaching and showing them how to go God’s way as well as warning them of the dangers of not doing so. However, to do this, a father must love, worship, and walk with God personally. Otherwise, the message will be perceived as disingenuous and hypocritical.
There is much more that could be said. But these 5 critical insights reinforce why it is vital to win early in parenting.
Kenny Morgan is an Associate Pastor of Midtown Baptist Temple. He is the pastor of the discipleship ministry and also oversees the Connections and LIFE Fellowship ministries.
LIFE|Line is a ministry of Life Fellowship, a fellowship of Midtown Baptist Temple. 